Third time really can be, charming.

 

This is probably the 110^th (mild exaggeration) time I’ve started on this blog. I write maybe a paragraph before freezing up, forgetting what it is I want to say, then putting it down in hopes of recapturing the thought. Yet, I never go back to the draft before because once I come back, I’m on a completely different thought than the one I started with. Then, yesterday something happened I have feared for as long as I can remember… I had a breakdown. Now that I have come out the other side of something I have been dreading, I realize it wasn’t a breakdown.  more like a breakthrough. I am different today and I am horribly aware of what transpired yesterday. I am not sure how much of this I want to share, but the only consistent thought I have had when thinking about what to write is this. If there is anything I can say that will help someone else, then that trumps any other feeling of shame or embarrassment I might have.

I am going through…something. What this something is depends on who you ask. As I mentioned before, I am a 48-year YOUNG, yes, I said it, young woman. I have been caught up in the mental health system way of life since I was about 15, when my family first signed me up for outpatient therapy. Since then, I have been to more psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and counselors than I can remember. Spent time in both inpatient and outpatient facilities and been on enough medications to take out half a city. Everything from anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, anxiety meds, sleep meds, pain meds, adhd meds, tranquilizers, even antihistamines to treat the anxiety that the anxiety meds couldn’t handle.  Time spent in doctors’ offices, time spent focused on medications; when to take them, how to take them, keeping up with side effects, hell, trying to figure out what was a side effect and what was just me. Thinking over all these things leaves me with only one question. Why? All that keeps popping up in my mind is that I did it to get better. But better than what? What was wrong with me and why was it that I believed something was wrong in the first place? Trying answer all those questions is going to put me smack dab in the middle of a blame spiral. Well, I did this because of this person. If it wasn’t for that person I would have never…fill in the blank. You get the idea. This brings me back to yesterday’s breakthrough. As I stood at the foot of my bed, shaking all over, covered in sweat and tears, crying and screaming, I was oddly aware of what was happening. Out of nowhere a voice came out of me I didn’t even recognize. I knew it was me, but it didn’t sound like me. Trying to both explain and apologize for my behavior, I looked at my boyfriend Todd and said, can’t you see? I am healing. It is ugly and it is raw, but I’m doing it. You either support me or get the hell out of my way. I continued to shake and cry and literally break down as I released so many emotions I have been holding onto. I can’t fully explain the impact this had, or just how dramatic this event was, I haven’t fully been able to wrap my own head around what happened, but I know this. There never has been and never will be anything wrong with me. There is no part of me that is “broken”. There’s nothing in need of fixing. I am not “off” or “bent”. I have no screws loose or too much or too little of anything. I am perfect exactly how I am today, right now, at this moment. I am exactly who I am meant to be, with all my different character traits, not flaws, but traits. I am beautiful both inside and out and I am worthy. I am worthy, not just of other people’s love but I am worthy of being loved by me. I am no longer going to carry around this hatred I have for myself. I am releasing all the guilt and shame I have held onto so tightly and replacing that with love. Love for myself and love for others. I know that I am human and may fall back on old ways of thinking but that is where we can help each other. I am not unique in my thinking. Sadly, there are so many others that can relate to a self-hatred that almost tore them apart. WE were not meant to walk alone. We need each other, to remind us of what beautiful, amazing spirits we have, what beautiful, amazing spirits we are. Till next time….

 

Candice Morris