Third time really can be, charming.

 

This is probably the 110^th (mild exaggeration) time I’ve started on this blog. I write maybe a paragraph before freezing up, forgetting what it is I want to say, then putting it down in hopes of recapturing the thought. Yet, I never go back to the draft before because once I come back, I’m on a completely different thought than the one I started with. Then, yesterday something happened I have feared for as long as I can remember… I had a breakdown. Now that I have come out the other side of something I have been dreading, I realize it wasn’t a breakdown.  more like a breakthrough. I am different today and I am horribly aware of what transpired yesterday. I am not sure how much of this I want to share, but the only consistent thought I have had when thinking about what to write is this. If there is anything I can say that will help someone else, then that trumps any other feeling of shame or embarrassment I might have.

I am going through…something. What this something is depends on who you ask. As I mentioned before, I am a 48-year YOUNG, yes, I said it, young woman. I have been caught up in the mental health system way of life since I was about 15, when my family first signed me up for outpatient therapy. Since then, I have been to more psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and counselors than I can remember. Spent time in both inpatient and outpatient facilities and been on enough medications to take out half a city. Everything from anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, anxiety meds, sleep meds, pain meds, adhd meds, tranquilizers, even antihistamines to treat the anxiety that the anxiety meds couldn’t handle.  Time spent in doctors’ offices, time spent focused on medications; when to take them, how to take them, keeping up with side effects, hell, trying to figure out what was a side effect and what was just me. Thinking over all these things leaves me with only one question. Why? All that keeps popping up in my mind is that I did it to get better. But better than what? What was wrong with me and why was it that I believed something was wrong in the first place? Trying answer all those questions is going to put me smack dab in the middle of a blame spiral. Well, I did this because of this person. If it wasn’t for that person I would have never…fill in the blank. You get the idea. This brings me back to yesterday’s breakthrough. As I stood at the foot of my bed, shaking all over, covered in sweat and tears, crying and screaming, I was oddly aware of what was happening. Out of nowhere a voice came out of me I didn’t even recognize. I knew it was me, but it didn’t sound like me. Trying to both explain and apologize for my behavior, I looked at my boyfriend Todd and said, can’t you see? I am healing. It is ugly and it is raw, but I’m doing it. You either support me or get the hell out of my way. I continued to shake and cry and literally break down as I released so many emotions I have been holding onto. I can’t fully explain the impact this had, or just how dramatic this event was, I haven’t fully been able to wrap my own head around what happened, but I know this. There never has been and never will be anything wrong with me. There is no part of me that is “broken”. There’s nothing in need of fixing. I am not “off” or “bent”. I have no screws loose or too much or too little of anything. I am perfect exactly how I am today, right now, at this moment. I am exactly who I am meant to be, with all my different character traits, not flaws, but traits. I am beautiful both inside and out and I am worthy. I am worthy, not just of other people’s love but I am worthy of being loved by me. I am no longer going to carry around this hatred I have for myself. I am releasing all the guilt and shame I have held onto so tightly and replacing that with love. Love for myself and love for others. I know that I am human and may fall back on old ways of thinking but that is where we can help each other. I am not unique in my thinking. Sadly, there are so many others that can relate to a self-hatred that almost tore them apart. WE were not meant to walk alone. We need each other, to remind us of what beautiful, amazing spirits we have, what beautiful, amazing spirits we are. Till next time….

 

Candice Morris

And then there were two....

When I originally came up with the idea to write a blog, I admit I was a bit naive. It seems every time you turn around someone is sharing parts of their lives with the world. Whether through video, written word, or audio to name a few; it seems that everyone has gotten this "social media" thing figured out. As a self-described over thinker, I decided if I were to handle things as I always do, this idea would never come to fruition. Instead, it would be lost in the land I lovingly call my "noodle", never to be heard from again. Rather, I found a place to start my blog and wrote my first, sending it out to the world unknown. I'm embarrassed to admit, but I couldn't tell you where it was placed within the world wide web, or if anyone has seen , or actually read it. I do know that at the bottom of my blog page it shows a number of those that have at least clicked on it. How accurate that is, I couldn't say, but to the eleven people that may have read it, I would like to say thank you. My biggest mistake so far has been an inability to hone in on exactly what it is I want to say. That original blog, my first and only till now, was over two months ago. I was just about to give up, fearing anything I might say would be so insignificant it wouldn't be worth the energy and worry, until I came across an article. I read, not skimmed over, but read the words in its entirety, and what stood out to me the most was this. We all have something to offer others. Use what it is that gives you joy, no matter how silly it might seem, and use it in your message to the world. This woman spoke about her fascination with Excel for instance and how she used that to turn a hobby into her life's work. She said she literally listed the things that interested her and made something out of it. So, here's to taking advice and following my dreams. If nothing comes out of it, then I've lost nothing. But what if ? What if I try? What if I try and succeed? How amazing that would be! Again, I would like to say thank you to anyone and everyone that has ever and will ever support me along my journey. What a gift positive support is. One person believing in you outweighs any amount of those that don't. I am blessed to have two, my amazing sister and my amazing boyfriend. To Courtney Gray Taylor and Michael Todd Harbin, you both are my foundation from which I have been able to rebuild. You have been instrumental in allowing me to learn to both like and love myself. You have given me hope and the ability to believe in myself once again. I love you both! Without further ado, I am now posting this, my second blog, with the third following shortly behind it. I hope it finds the places it is meant to be, being read by those that are meant to read it. Till then, I am Candice Lynn Morris, reminding you that we are not meant to walk this world alone. Take time to lift others up, however you can. You never know just how much someone may need a YOU in their life. 

When does it end?

Bullying... When I hear the word bully, I automatically think of that middle school girl, sitting in the school bathroom stall eating her lunch. Tears streaming down her face at the very thought of having to face the wall of girls eagerly awaiting the lashing they are about to serve. Unfortunately to some, it is simply a part of their journey. Knowing that it will eventually pass, that once you "grow up", this will be but a memory, gives the strength needed to persevere. What you don't expect or consider is the fact that not everyone grows out of their behavior. Not everyone turns into a decent human being as they age. Why is it that there are people that seem to thrive off the pain of others.? What is it that makes a human being believe they are somehow better than others? That they have a right to tear another person down? Is that the only way they feel empowered? Why are there those that seem to fall in line with this ridiculous behavior? As a 48 year old woman in the midst of "yet another" do over, I find myself in an environment surrounded by "those" girls. The pretentious, hypocritical, narcissistic, type of human being that in one moment tells anyone that will listen about God and prayer, about how to be a generally good person. The expert right? Wrong. In the next moment they are abusing, physically, emotionally, verbally, and spiritually, every one in their path. I don't have the answers for the why'? I can't understand it myself. All I know is that when it is all said and done who I have to live with is me. I am responsible for how I act and react to all situations. So with this moment of clarity, I am reminded that I am no less of a human being than the next person. I am no less deserving of both respect and the good coming my way. I am reminded that my future is still bright and my life is worthy. I am worthy. Other peoples' opinions of me are none of my business. What truly matters is what I think of me and how I treat  myself and others. Sometimes it helps to simply vent. Never give negativity the place and time to grow. Don't buy into the bull shit. We are all FABULOUS!